


1, 2, 3, 4, 5 (Goodbye)

by youandmes



Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M, ill add more tags if i get more ideas, tries to be deep but fails
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 19:41:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14432727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youandmes/pseuds/youandmes
Summary: Maybe he had hoped too much, loved too much. Maybe it was because of his hatred for messes. Maybe it was because he didn't expect it. Maybe he just wanted to try and see and believe, that maybe,just maybe, this breakup wouldn't head the same way as the rest.(Oh, how wrong Dongmin was)





	1, 2, 3, 4, 5 (Goodbye)

Dongmin knows how relationships work. He's had enough experience and watched plenty of movies and read enough novels to get the gist of it. He knows it is paralleled besides love, the distance between the two lines so narrow, most assumes they're the same thing. But Dongmin knows they're not, knows better than others. Love is a feeling that means you are willing to give everything and to take whatever is laid out in front of you willingly, to choose for the other without expecting anything back, over and over again. Relationships don't always compromise with love.

Relationships are set in phases and always coming and going the same way the moon does. The fantasy, normality, reality, and the parting. The fantasy, that start that makes people have filters blocking their vision, setting up their own expectations and blocks out what doesn't fit the mold you made. It's because of the hope that warms your heart that makes you pray every night that  _this_  is the one with the happily ever after and has love all over it. Where everyday made him ridiculously happy and seemed so much sweeter when he replayed it through his memories.

 He remembers those days well, when he and Jinwoo had just recently gotten together during their final year of highschool, right after opening their acceptance letters and finding out they would be going to the same university together. The cherry blossoms that had bloomed in the spring then as they would walk together hand-in-hand after school fuelled the hope in his heart. 

He doesn't think he could forget their date in the ice cream shop. The hot sun that made ice cream taste a little sweeter, Jinwoo's jokes and infectious smile that made him as well, the sweat on their palms as they held hands on the street, the heat and comfortable atmosphere made them forget of other's glances and disapproving stares. Their palms were still sweaty and together as they ordered their ice cream to the employee working there, grinning at each other from time to time like idiots with their own secret. 

Dongmin remembers leaving Jinwoo in their booth to get their orders, heart still giddy when he heard the employee muttered 'You two make a cute couple,' made his cheeks burn. He barely manages to utters out a 'thank you' as his smile widens and heart beating in his ears.

When the employee smiles back and says 'enjoy your ice cream', Dongmin returns it with a 'you too' before running back with their orders, his mind still baffled at what just happened. He remembers Jinwoo's large laugh as he retells the event to him, realizing his mistake makes him gasp in horror and groan. But hearing his loud laugh and remembering the other's words make butterflies flutter in his stomach. 

Then again, there were lots of days from their fantasy phase Dongmin thought he could ever forget that now seems so hazy to him.

Normality is the phase where the sparks and adrenaline of a new relationship has begun to fade, where special gestures and acts become mere everyday acts. It was when hope had reserved and made it's home in one's heart, making it's presence invisible. Dongmin remembers finding himself in the normality stage with Jinwoo when they moved in to their apartment together and life had caught up with them. Classes and part time jobs made it hard for the two to do the same things they did back in highschool. 

Dongmin would find hope and affection in the simplest of moments; waking up five minutes before their alarm went off and spending those minutes to admire the sleeping Jinwoo and his newly dyed blond hair beside him, Jinwoo coming out with him to the balcony when he needed a breather at parties, the celebrations Jinwoo would take him out on after finishing exams week or staying up all night to finish that gruelling essay.

It were the little gestures and habits that turned into routine that made his heart and mind take advantage of the pattern and leave them all unnoticed and easily forgotten. The little post-its Jinwoo would sneak into his textbooks with reminders to take care of himself, the signature double heart emoji he'd always leave at the end of his texts at the end of their conversation, the toothy and wide grin that was reserved for  _and_  only for Dongmin.

Memories and days built on the routine of constantly being reminded that he is loved, will be forgotten. The hope clouding his brain promises that things will stay the same as they are. It would be something he would only start to regret about when they're no longer together and the only memory he has are left in it's physical shape.

Reality is when the expectations of the relationship in his mind breaks, something that not even the filter in his eyes can block out. For their relationship, it's when Jinwoo starts coming home later than he usually does with alcohol all over his clothes and leaves less text messages of where he is. Dongmin starts to see Jinwoo more on campus with people he's never seen before rather than he does at home. 

The hope in his heart constricts, forcing him to believe it doesn't mean anything to their relationship, that Jinwoo's just being his extroverted self and getting more friends. He forces himself to believe and tries  _so_  hard for the hope in his heart to not break. But one day the filter fades and reality reveals itself to Dongmin for the first time in a while. 

He stands in their bedroom, with drawers open and clothes strewn around the room and the picture frame of them on their first anniversary that usually hangs on the wall is now on the floor, the glass shatters near his feet. Reality sets in and Jinwoo is nowhere in the apartment to be found. He stands there, lets the truth mock him in his face as his chest feels empty. Hope had made it's home during the Normality phase, to the point he didn't even realize it had consumed and claimed his entire heart. And now that hope had destroyed itself, his heart following with.

Jinwoo comes back to their apartment two nights later, finding Dongmin sleeping on the couch and everything too clean to be their apartment. He sits on the floor next to the couch and stares at the younger, reminiscing when he'd lug Dongmin to bed when he'd fallen alseep as he tried to pull an all nighter, when he felt the world was at peace by looking at his sleeping face. Now, as he watches Dongmin rest with dark bags under his eyes, knowing fully well what caused them, he feels nothing.

Jinwoo is still awake when Dongmin wakes up in cold sweat an hour later, calling out for the other's name. He is shushed and calmed by the other's presence and the smell of alcohol on his clothes. They both cry as they embrace each other without saying a word, until they help each other get to their bedroom with sniffly noses and wet eyes. Without a word, they forgive.

Without a word, they both know they can't go back the same way they used to be. 

Parting is the final and most ambiguous phase, where the only way to identify it is through goodbyes and that it's messy. The fact that he can't tell when he's reached the Parting phase infuriates him because he's terrible at goodbyes and hates messes. It happens during the moment you least expect it to come and Dongmin hates that he's not even able to prepare himself for the goodbye.

They tiptoe around each other like acquaintances. Dongmin thinks he tries fix them again by slipping into their old routine again, hoping the truth could just dig itself into a hole and never appear again. Jinwoo doesn't indulge in Dongmin's make-believe and only runs. He only says things that he needs to say, sleeps on the couch to avoid Dongmin, and refuses to talk about that night. He knows better than to force things to be okay again.

Parting comes sooner than Dongmin expected. Jinwoo places a yellow paper under his nose as he eats cereal for lunch. It’s a new lease paper with an address that Dongmin is unfamiliar with with Jinwoo’s recognizable scribble he calls a signature on it. His head spins as he feels his chest constricting again. Their lease isn’t up for renewal for another three months, three precious months that he could’ve used to fix things right again.

He remembers his mouth moving, but the whole conversation is a haze. He remembers walking around, following Jinwoo around the apartment, begging probably, as he has to constantly remember to breathe. He remember Jinwoo’s angry face and the slam of the door and his promise of picking up his things tomorrow.

Dongmin sleeps on the couch everyday since then, does most of his studying on the table in the kitchen even though he knows he studies better at the library, puts off plans and invitations of going out because he wants to be there when Jinwoo comes back. Wants to keep the other end of their last promise and waits for tomorrow so they can talk it out, just once more.

Tomorrow doesn’t come.

It’s been two months since then. Jinwoo hasn’t set foot in their- _Dongmin’s_ apartment, ever since. He doesn’t try to find him in crowds when he’s on campus as he used to. Picking up the pieces of his life and heart back together without Jinwoo in it is hard enough.

Dongmin can say he’s been doing better. After a whole week of wallowing and allowing himself to cry, he’s been forcing himself to be better. His chest doesn’t hurt and feel empty as it did back then, he’s been hanging out with Bin and Minhyuk lately. His grades dropped a bit, but it’s nothing a few more intensive study sessions can’t fix.  

He’s in the midst of eating dinner and texting Bin when he gets a stain. Dongmin knows that it's rude to use his phone while on the kitchen table, but he’s been restless and head full of thoughts of Jinwoo and Bin is a great distraction provider. He curses and heads back to his room to change, careful not to bump into the boxes on his way there.

When Dongmin had stopped sleeping on the couch and vowed to stop waiting for him to come back, he allowed himself to cry once more as he packed everything of Jinwoo’s into boxes, bidding the final goodbye they never got to say. It takes him two days to rid them all and he wonders if it should take that long to get rid of someone’s stuff who’s lived here for two whole years.

He hears a knock on the door and rushes expecting Sanha, an old childhood friend of his, who said he’d be visiting and staying with him soon, to survey the university he’s attending. Dongmin doesn’t reject the offer, he appreciates any form of socializing and distraction he can get, besides he likes Sanha and the friendship they had. Maybe he could move in with him, as they catch up and laugh about old times and make new ones. He could take the other bedroom that's been vacant for the past two years and bring life to the apartment again. Maybe he could even fill some of the holes in Dongmin's life Jinwoo left him. (That's a lie, God that's such a lie. No one will ever complete him the same way Jinwoo did.) 

On the other side of the door, is in fact, not Sanha. He’s shorter than Dongmin and has dark red dyed hair that covers his eyes just a bit. His tight lip and empty hands signifies that he’s not here to stay here, unlike Sanha.

Dongmin will always remember the air being knocked out of his lungs and the skip in his heart seeing the familiar mole on his chin and dull brown eyes that used to light up at the sight of him and his prominent nose that Dongmin used to kiss and tease so much of.

Jinwoo gives him a curt nod and only enters the apartment when Dongmin steps aside. There are a few delivery men waiting in the lobby, most likely to help Jinwoo take his stuff down to wherever he lives now.

He follows Jinwoo into the bedroom, where he’s lifting two boxes at the same time with ease. He doesn’t comment on Dongmin packing for him or the reason behind it. He makes quick haste, leaving and entering, leaving and entering and Dongmin just stands there in midst of it all, unsure of what to do.

Past him would’ve blocked the door, forbidding him to leave until they talk. Past Dongmin would be dramatic; make a formal apology and be a blubbering mess, asking him to come back to his arms. Future Dongmin would look back at this moment and wonder all the other possibilities that could’ve happened with a twinge of regret everytime he’d replay the scene.

But present Dongmin does nothing. Just stares at the stranger that enters and leaves his apartment that he was so familiar with just three months ago.

He doesn’t know how long it takes for him to take his stuff away, but soon he finds himself standing beside the door again, with Jinwoo carrying the last box.

 They stand by the door, unsure what to say, but Jinwoo’s sad gaze at him says enough for an entire conversation. Dongmin counts every second that passes.

“Goodbye Dongmin.”

“Bye Jinwoo.” He shuts the door.

Dongmin walks back to his bedroom and opens his closet. Rummages through everything else that isn't important until he sees it. A pink little mouse plushie that’s worn out. He holds it close to his chest and feels tears welling in his eyes.

It was the first souvenir of their third date, an amusement park had just opened nearby and seemed like the perfect date spot. As Dongmin was about to get back inside his house, Jinwoo asks him to hold out his hands and closed his eyes. He opens them to a stuffed mouse plushie in hot pink in his hand and Jinwoo’s crooked grin.

 _“It’s me! For you to hold onto if I’m not besides you, since you said you’ve been having problems sleeping lately.’_ He remembers him shyly saying, the grin of his never fading. _‘It’s my way showing that I promise I’ll always be next to you.”_

He breathes in.  _1, 2, 3, 4, 5_. Breathes out. He breathes and counts to five again and again, until all the stray tears at the rim of his eyes have fallen and the pain in his chest becomes a dull throb. For a moment, he tells himself words of comfort and believes them. _You’ve been through this before, you can get through it again. It’s fine, it’ll hurt for a while._

But with his heart constricting itself with every heartbeat and the old mouse plushie in his hands, he can’t believe his own words. Because this is a different kind of pain when he first left. He still felt butterflies when he heard his voice, still felt that skip in his heart when he saw him. He saw the sadness in his eyes and heard his hoarse voice and had the unconscious urge to hug him tight and tell him they’d be okay.

It was love. Even if it was just an intersection. Dongmin loved him.

Dongmin still loves him.

He breaks down in tears again and revels in the pain and drowns himself in memories. He doesn’t tell himself words of comfort, doesn’t answer his phone that rings with Bin’s personalized ringtone. All he wants is _Jinwoo_ and to tell him he loved him, he _still_ loves him and to hear him say it back. He wants him to come back, to walk back in their apartment and hold him the same way they did the night they fought, even though Jinwoo gave his key to the apartment a while ago. He wants to run out and take the stairs and beat the elevators so he can catch up to Jinwoo, even though he lives on the twelfth floor. 

But it’d be useless. They’re at different chapters of their lives now, even though they’re in the same stage. There’s been too much damage, too many nights where they ran away from each other and too many words that can’t be taken back and words that can’t be said now. Dongmin knows they chose this path long ago without even realizing it and must accept the consequences now.

Maybe, he thought by wrapping and packing all his items away, he’d be able to wrap his feelings for him as well. Leaving him and Jinwoo taking them along with him. Then he’d be able to say goodbye with a lightheart and continue on with life with a fresh start.

But his feelings and memories were his own. He knew partings were always messy, and yet here he was, clearly trying to defy it and wrap it all up in a pretty little bow, the same way stories do, hoping his story with Jinwoo would end differently.

He knows he’ll have to say goodbye to his feelings for him soon, to be able to let go of the memories that are attached to all the items in his home so that he can look back on them without hurting. He knows one day he’ll see the pink mouse plushie as a pink mouse plushie, not as Jinwoo’s promise.

But for now, he loves. He loves the Jinwoo from his memory and the unfamiliar Jinwoo with red hair that is on his way to his new apartment and new life without him. He loves Jinwoo’s promise in his hands and lets himself feel heartbreak and relish in the heartbreak that proves that he loved.

**Author's Note:**

> my first attempt at writing angst, which was pretty fun, despite me still being :/ about the end product. But hey at least I started writing something again. I hope it was angsty enough to be considered angst. Heavily inspired by VIXX's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 (ps: listen to VIXX's new comeback; its beautiful. Absolutely unrelated to the fic but Please Listen).
> 
> Thank you for reading and feel free to give kudos, comments, bookmarks if u liked it!! Have a nice day ♡
> 
> (edited)


End file.
